I get off on denial.
it’s an easy way to go into jealousy – compersion – self–thirst.
I love that all these young women around me fuck. I have been experimenting with the scenario in public that…I hold awareness that I masturbate and don’t fuck, while talking to women I want to fuck. just a little game to take it one step further out into the world.
I cannot describe the pleasure except to say that it’s exquisitely submissive. And it’s so true, then when I am alone, their her your pleasure brings me into my self surrender. I so so so so so relax into how gooooood it is that you fuck, all of you, and that I relax into that truth – fucking no one but myself.
I understand I may be exploring some karma with this – that I have always felt the beauty of the semen on glass being karma that I put out and gradually receive back into myself. I understand that the idea of licking all my mirrors clean before fucking again has poignant, urgent beauty, a ring of truth, a gesture of healing toward myself.
I know that part of what I am doing is opening a space of non aggressive eroticism in myself; the gradual turning of my desire onto myself so that I can feel and withdraw all sense of entitlement over women, control, presumption. Masturbation is the opposite or rape. The gold mirror being held to my face when I wanted someone in what felt to her like a violative way. I loved that she was able to do that. I mirror masturbate and I really have to withdraw my aggression.
I want to relate to you as a man who is wholly comfortable with my orgasm, my semen and all of my specific desires. I oh so beautifully enjoyed being naked in that big black mirror in front of you and all your love.