Blue World. Probably in Den Haag, summer 2005.

the emotional approach you describe reminds me why I go many places I go…my ultimate trust is in me and where my love originates…in self love.

core phantasy one is self loving in the presence of The Couple. face the mirror. face them. face myself. face us all.

among its cousins is the idea of being a masturbating male in the social presence of fully sexually active females. for part of the journey we are in mutual awareness. I hear some of what they do and disclose what I do. Then part of the journey I am solo and out of contact with their explorations and exploits. at some point, the deep plunge into solitary pleasure; pure pleasure, not for show, not to reach out, not for approval…n.n.n.

(during this phase all orgasms are into facial eye gazing and all semen is consumed immediately…I start with clean mirrors and they stay clean.)

sometimes i contact the profound healing possible from that place…of which I don’t know the content of but I feel the potential of. an aspect is to compel myself into self love by putting myself on display as such. may involve processing through grief and abandonment.

and then…I am alone. in a fictional version I could: have a room, one room, which is the only place I make love. Nobody but me knows where it is or what it looks like. I go there to journey with my thoughts, feelings, self presence…with a shift away from getting off to women I love fucking to the direct gesture of self-giving, sans scenario – direct, immediate self giving.

core phantasy two is self loving in a circle of others who are doing the same. we take a pause from partner sex and seeking partner sex and with mutual support, fall in love with ourselves. clear out karma and do a kind of maintenance. Free to masturbate together when we choose. Home in mirror when we choose. Journal, document, photograph the journey for those involved…maybe in real time. share the materials and offer the culture a mode of erotic balm, relaxation, gentle submission to abundance…among other things of mutual support.

core phantasy three is: when I meet a woman I want to explore with as a lover, we agree to a time of masturbation only, before we go to contact sex. take that risk and dare to say something. dare to display the intricacies of working out surrender, the mixed emotions, the neediness and what is beneath it. i want to feel the commitment of wanting to smell her cunt but not doing so as I hold the space of my own focus, for a while, learning to read her face and getting to know her heart. a promise to bring emotional contact to a safe place, to hold and form and trust that space.

what a gorgeous conscious gesture. (and by the time I drink from miss vulva, desire meets water in a hot wet surrender to life.)

core four is: I meet her and she says baby I know you’re thirsty and I am wet.

I am Eric and I am a self lover.

I offer you my friendship in loyalty and trust in myself. I honor your freedom. I am committed to never making demands, learning to gently request and to receive offers.

I celebrate your freedom to choose.

I honor your self lover path.

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