dear christina

would you consider a group ritual?

the women dressed, three or four others. core phantasy is: I do myself facing a mirror while the women discuss what I’m doing, and perhaps engage me in dialog.

And what pleasure to hear them describe their indulgences.

I let myself drown in compersion. you know this about me.

In the deepest darkest visions of this scenario, the women leave prior to my ejaculation. When the time comes to choose my moment, and when I examine my face cumming, and whether I choose to judge or love, all happen alone. I face my semen alone. I face how much I want to be seen right in this moment. In the delicate agony of not having, I face myself.

I need to confront myself with this idea of only masturbating.

There are so many cunts I could suck.

Mirror by mirror, woman by woman, I choose to be my selflover.

This is the beautify the beauty of oh how I love the scent of cunt and from there I can go into: what you get is semen, your semen, go satisfy yourself.

One of the women who may be at the ritual does not understand what I do or why I crave it though she loves me and that’s where she has space and such sweet empathy. However my sense is she thinks it’s kind of gross. She has witnessed me, once. (We have also fucked and she’s a hot cunnilingus bitch.) I know that I may choose to be my selflover in her presence — to not suck or fuck her — the poignancy of letting go, or even the idea of it


hi ciristina

as we discussed so exquisitely, I am now intentionally collecting semen on a mirror. It feels so good to relax and release, and leave it there, as a gift to the future.

It appears you are finding the balance in give and take.



our conversation on this topic is a new depth of directness with another person, on this. as I am direct with others I am direct with myself. there’s that hot plunge into self-acceptance as I do this. intentionally leaving myself a gift.

so this is where it’s a fully conscious ‘give’. It’s not an orgasm and then that slippery place where I can go into shame, the struggle to receive. I am on the other side of the sphere. I give myself a conscious and loving gift. Admission of understanding.

My role is no longer to clean or clear the mirrors off, as if it’s a responsibility. I’ve gone there a lot — especially when I use mirror-licking perfectionism as celibacy bait: I don’t fuck till the mirrors are clean.

Rather, I offer myself to the experience…to the process. I milk out my semen so that I may lick it up when I am hungry and horny and call for deep nourishment. I have made semen for myself, to lick when I crave semen. Omg. This is so beautiful.

As I give with deeper offering and pleasure, I receive with deeper clarity and enjoyment.

As I give myself to myself with deeper offering and pleasure, I receive myself with deeper clarity and enjoyment.

Ease to give

Ease to receive

Easy to lie.

Easy to live.

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