so the phantasy play scenes involve some deep, displayed vulnerability — the grief scenes of having to part with the ‘slow’ man if I understand correctly, or the futility of the situation.
On Apr 25, 2012, at 10:41 PM, Amanda Jane wrote:
I come again, and then they immediately come inside me — totally lose themselves when they hear and feel me.
This, I would love to have happen to you or see happen to you, or partake in somehow – the sensation of your mouth and cunt being filled with semen is really nice. The first time through the scenario I started to feel jealous, which flashed first as some rage and then melting into surrender and…I thought, this would add the active ingredient to a jealousy scene, where I experiment with being confronted by your sex, only putting this on display somehow — on the stage or telling the story in writing.
The recent memory of seeing your vulva then considering you being fucked gave me the visceral image and feeling of your pussy filled up with the semen of another man, or both of those men. Full and drilling with semen, blossomed out, flooded and dripping. Maybe I photograph you this way, so that I have images for some other time, to journey with them and process the feelings, as you fuck, as you will.
I am constantly stalked by the urge go submit to my desire for masturbation celibacy. It’s something I discuss with every lover or potential lover, a part of every erotic contact, so it is at least a hot phantasy…and an alluring potential, despite my weakness for cunt sex. Still, as long as the idea is alive, so is the possibility that I will dive in, not as a result of the strength but as an honoring of desire. For how close it brings me to unavailable women.
My phantasy of m.celibacy and jealousy fantasy grew out of the agonizing phases of unavailable women that I went through. In that process I learned to feel the love of women despite not having their sex. I learned to be open to the love of women though not having their sex – in a series of relationships…some of them still in my life. Sex is such powerful approval and a sign of love…so I had to find the love without this. That meant finding the love within myself.
This tells me why the “I am celibate while they fuck” scenario is so precious to me, because it’s about the early discovery of the love of women, freed from fucking them. Poignant…and compelling. Deeply loving in that what I give into is the love, that I offer myself and then receive their compassion for being willing to do that.
==
So yes the first time through, I felt the potential for a jealousy scenario. Extending it a little, that might culminate as several men take turns on you and fill you up, making the space between your thighs a soaked bath of cum. You open your legs and the other men watch me masturbate to the sight of this, as do you…
An audience of about 100 – small, intimate house – is observing, partially visible to us.