one last thing. well, two.

one is I love to fuck my own ass, esp with someone watching and watching my face. I like to watch my face as the dildo slips in. no man has ever fucked my ass except with a toy. I have invited one to fuck my mouth and cum there. I came out to my dad with this story which (my body is going a little flush) I both fuck my ass and drink cum for the first time, while my ass is fucked. my dad read that.

omfg and feels so fucking good.

two is, through celibacy masturbation behavior I feel like I drop into a free-floating sexual orientation that could come out next as fulfilling my craving to suck men off. in that environment I would need to get my asshole fucked. and – in my phantasies – this is how I point my imagination sometimes, that I might emerge there.

Masturbation play is a hot place to dive into queer. I can think such thoughts as, “I want to lick his ass before I suck him off.”

The pleasure of my desire, as an entity of its own.

What I am actually going to do is…

so….here is how I’m doing masturbation.

my journey these days is to surround myself with women I love and crave, and arrange with them that our sexual relationship is that they fuck and I masturbate. I am exploring a need to be deprived, to experience jealousy and envy, and to create compersion as I do this.

at the midst of my masturbation ritual is drinking my semen, and there is nothing that makes me want, need and crave doing that in a more beautiful way than to engage her as part of the mirror of the couple. I face her fucking and them fucking. I then explore facing the mirror with them in the space, psychically or in rare events, with them present. my mirror, that is. my self.

I am in a healing experience and also pleasure seeking. I am experimenting with drawing my nourishment from myself – exactly what I love to get from cunnilingus. as I go deeper into self nourishment cunnilingus has been changing. it’s been less vibrant as if I am shifting the threshold of fulfillment to myself…as I have long been guiding me. I always want to sniff the cunts of pretty women, all of them and if a certain kind of pretty their asshole too.

I rarely do…it seems to ‘happen less’

now here is the fire walk. being celibate as I intend is always in parallel to the allure of some delightful women. opportunities arise and when they do, I more often take them than not. Tho as I explain my journey to one female friend after the next, we gently close that door and I embrace my posture as one who masturbates to their fucking, and then turns my love inward on myself.

the dance of my semen on and off the mirrors.

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