How do we solve the problem of rape?
First, we need to understand it, and be honest about it. Rape is the second most violent act of aggression that can be directed at a woman.
The first is murder, and as Inga Muscio (author of Cunt: A Declaration of Independence) points out, the two often happen together. Rape is the toxic eruption of the male sex drive. The ‘reasons’ for rape are as many as there are ‘reasons’ for the projections of anger at women. That anger – whatever its supposed source – can and must be internally mediated within all of us. Rape describes us as individuals, and our relationships.
In a sense, our society is a setup for the dynamics that lead to rape. Rape is romanticized; the conflation of violence and sex is made to seem ever more normal. Then, sex is presented in the media as both an entitlement to men and something that is to be made unavailable by women (teased but not delivered; or morally derided), resulting in a profound degree of frustration for many people.
This is a fermentation tank for the sexualizing of rage and frustration. It does not help that hardly anyone is taught how to deal with their anger or their erotic impulses. It does not help that we tend to see rape as an isolated incident and not the product of an environment or a two-sided energy equation.
Women and girls are too often not taught how to set boundaries and men are taught even less often how to respect the ones they do have. Most women cannot actually say the word no, and too many men cannot take no for an answer. That most women also lack the ability to actually say yes (rather than insinuate it) does not help the assumption that no means maybe and maybe means yes. It is perhaps taboo for women to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ directly to men, but that is an extremely dangerous situation. Among cultured people, yes and no are the ultimate boundaries.
Masturbation, which is consensual sex with oneself, is the opposite of rape, and may be a key part of the solution to preventing rape.
Apart from the fact that rape is ugly and masturbation is beautiful, this is so for three reasons, in my view. If rape is sex without consent, or conscience, masturbation is sex with the assurance of consent, because you give yourself permission to give yourself pleasure.
Next, it provides for men not only an outlet for their sex drive and sexual aggression, but also the embodied statement to oneself that “I am responsible for dealing with my sexual urges, not you.” Masturbation is a step in the process of calling back sexual projection. Done consciously and honestly, it is a space wherein they may process sexual frustration and the resulting rage. This may not solve the more deeply pathological forms of rape, but it surely helps with the more common taking of sex from unwilling women, or those unable to give consent, that absolutely qualifies as rape.
Finally, for women, masturbation provides an opportunity to say yes to themselves, and in the process clear their sexual energy field and raise awareness. In a way parallel to men blowing off sexual steam with the conscious use of masturbation, women can relax into a space of freedom with themselves and let go of the internal sexual tension and ambivalence that can and often does make them a target for male sexual aggression. It’s one of the best ways to get to know your body. For those women who have rape fantasies, exploring them consciously and without guilt is an opportunity to not have to live them out unconsciously.
It is an opportunity to say yes to themselves and therefore have a more solid basis for saying, and meaning – and energetically signaling – both yes and no to others. Explored consciously and honestly, it is an opportunity to be more sexually aware, which (along with common sense) will help women avoid situations where rape happens – and many of these situations can indeed be avoided.
For both men and women, self-given pleasure can be an expression of self-approval that will help nullify violent, self-defeating and unloving impulses. If we can witness one another, we can learn to approve of one another’s sexual realities, and learn compersion – which is compassion for another person’s pleasure and needs.
I can offer at least one example of how this might work. A sexworker I know in Amsterdam said that one of her male clients who wanted to have sex with children would, instead, come to her regularly and masturbate while confessing to this urge. He would embrace her as a witness and leave his mess on the tiled floor of her studio. This, rather than send it ripping through the lives of those who had no business about it and might never recover from the damage and pain that it caused them.
Selflove is powerful healing medicine, if we’re willing to embrace it with unfettered awareness, integrity and pleasure.