A Tangent

There are moments when I feel brave doing what I’m doing. Yet I sit here and feel the potential that you are naked with him and I know allI can do is relax. When I relax, into that potential, I start to warm up. I could be jealous, though the jealousy is only a result of my attachment to you, not my love.

When I love what comes back to me is compersion, I feel the swell of a wave rising and in the gesture of letting go is accepting the pleasyre to come, psychic and physical. Still, brave in that I intentionally invite the potential for jealousy. For loss, and for coming to terms with there being no real predictive element; within that is the potential that we might never fuck again. Your sequence of lovers and way of loving might take you that way. I might slip on the edge of m. celibacy and be plunged in. I could make a conscious choice to dive.

You might be someone who emerges from a spot deep within my phantasy as saying, ‘I understand what you’ve got going on here and I’m going to do my part to help’. Which is to say that understanding my weakness for cunt, you as my friend hold me gently to what I want. To my choice to be my lover you contribute what you can, which is to recognize me as such and gently refuse my need to lick and fuck.

If u’r sexually fulfilled, that’s really easy. My scenario of being surrounded by sexually fulfilled women means they have all their options available, one of which is to do what I’ve pleaded with myself to do in my ‘fiction’.

Me being my lover means that I don’t see you naked. The direction I am wandering in is: as part of self-monogamy, I masturbate with myself, alone, after a while. This is often the ‘second year’ of the m. celibacy scenario. That at some point it’s me and my mirror. I flirt with how good it could feel to go there, the understanding I would have with myself if I did, and as I went deeper.

Then there’s the closet of my psyche, with a dim light and a floor-length mirror on the back of the door, filled with women’s clothing and the scent of wool and a mix of many faint perfumes, where the women in my life, or one of them, says: you’ve asked for this may times and I’ll do my part to help you have what you want.

The closer I get to this spot

The closer I am to the feeling that I could fuck any woman I want.

:-* goo nii love

xef